Yoga..Omniscient

Do you ever get the feeling that with all this "virtual" technology and second life stuff that artificial intelligence may be a little more intelligent than we think?

This has been a rough emotional week for me (and Alex now that I know you're reading I'm sorry to say this, but..) because I have been experiencing a little something called Pre-Menstrual Syndrome.

In an effort to combat this, I try to do uplifting things like exercise. Or eat as much chocolate and salt as possible in one sitting.

Anyway, this morning I decided to pull out a new Yoga DVD and give it a whirl. I was about 10 minutes in, and in a rather awkward position very similar to the one above, when the TV yoga lady started talking in an oh-so-soothing voice about how we as women need to center and find peace. She took a breath while I pondered on how she knew I was a woman, and how these cramps were certainly not bring me peace when she continued on to say...

"It is particularly important during the menstrual cycle to rest and connect with our intuition."

WHAT???

How'd she know? And let's say she didn't know, although all signs point to yes, is that not an odd thing to say on a yoga DVD? I mean I'm no expert on yoga (Trust me) but in the few classes I've been to my menstrual cycle has never been mentioned before.

I was so wierded out, I was forced to turn off the TV before she started telling me what was going on with my romantic life and when I would die. My flexibility and peace of mind did not improve today.

I feel sorry for you

Yes, you. The one reading this blog...if anyone still is.

I feel sorry for you, because so many funny, interesting and slightly twisted things have happened in my life over the last two months and you didn't get to hear them.

You have really missed out. I'm just glad I still got to enjoy them so all's not completely lost.

So, I shall attempt once again to get back on the train and share a little piece of me...with you. Let's start with a discovery I made yesterday that prompted me to get back on the train. One of my co-workers and friends, Allison Lazenby had the following conversation with me:

Allison: You haven't written on your blog since the end of July.
Me: True. I apologize.
Allison: My son Alex was looking at his favorite bookmarks and he said, "Mummy (they're Brittish, it's not weird) Shauri hasn't written on her blog since the end of July."

Now if I had known had such amazing fans as Alex, I would certainly have never let this blog thing slide, so Alex--this one's for you. Sending out a HUGE thank you to one of my biggest fans, by posting your lovely picture here and letting everyone know what a fantastic...bloke...you are. (Alex is the very handsome fella with the clenched fist on the left side...Alex, why so angry? Is it the hay bale?)

I would appreciate it though Alex, if you would please make a comment once in a while so I know you're out there and that you still care.

Cheers!

Driving to Duck

I am remiss. I am back.

Let me tell you a story you're all familiar with. It's an oldie, but goodie and it's called, "Family Vacation." You've all done it, you all know what it means. And you all know what happens. In fact, I went to my doctor two days before I left and he asked what I was doing the coming weekend. Here's how our conversation went:

Me: I'm leaving on Saturday for a family vacation. Everyone's flying in.
Doc: Ohhhh....this is when everyone regresses back to their most annoying teenage self.
Me: Actually we intentionally never progressed to make the transition easier.

Point is, he got it. Say family vacation and everyone gets it. Whatever.

Mom, Dad, me, Kristin and her 2 year old daughter Aviva all flew together to Norfolk, VA where we then collected a rental mini-van and began our hour and a half drive to the beach.

About 30 minutes in we realized that the windshield wipers had been running for a while.

"Dad? You wanna turn off the windshield wipers?"

Turns out he did. He just couldn't. Everyone in the car tried to get them off to no avail. OK, fine.

Next thing we noticed was that it was getting steadily warmer. And by warmer I mean SCALDING HOT. Tempers were rising and sweat was running. Voices started getting louder as we shouted for dad to roll down the windows.

Nope. No dice. The electrical system was down and we couldn't get windows down. At that point we started talking about how we were going to die (oh and by the way we're in bumper to bumper traffic and not moving AT ALL) in this heat box. Aviva meanwhile is passed out asleep, probably unconscious.

I tried to push open the back windows that didn't seem to be operated by electricity, but I couldn't get 'em. Kristin came busting back over me and shoved them open.

Shauri: "Wow, you're strong. You'd definitely live in a survival of the fittest situation."

Kristin: (scoffing) "Well I know I'd beat you."

Ouch. True, but ouch.

I won't tell the whole story, but I will say that there was a lot of conversation with Budget rent a car about solutions, a lot of anger and sweat and finally when Aviva woke up about an hour of screaming. I repeat, screaming. Kristin told us the only solution was to sing the farmer in the dell, which I swear we did going through every single animal that ever existed AND THEN my mom started going through the first ones again.

It was a long and painful journey, but not surprisingly, these horrible (in the moment) moments, are the ones that live on as our favorite stories to recount. All I can say is, wait until you hear about the return trip.

The Difference Between Men and Women

I was on facebook a couple of days ago and I saw a guy-friend (sorry Kev-- had to post your pic to make a point) had posted a picture of himself holding his cute little nephew. His nephew looked just like him and was all kinds of adorable. And did I mention he was HOLDING the baby? Big deal, right? Wrong.

Underneath this picture several girls had commented. Most of them were in the same vein as this first comment:

"Have. Mercy. Is THAT what our boys are gonna look like?? Just WATCH how not mad I'll be."

I have to admit, I secretly thought her comment was kind of clever and cute...yeah...sorry. But anyway, the point is that the first thought that came to her mind was this: Cute boy holding cute boy. We could make cute babies together.
(I have to admit my first thought was, why do they both have that shark haircut? Yeah, I'm single.)

So I thought about this.

And here's what I think. If any guy saw a picture of a girl holding a little baby and looking all cuddly with it, what would HE think? I'll tell you.

"RUN!!!"

Because he would think, that girl is baby crazy. She must want to get married and tie me down and make me have kids right away. FEAR.

And here's the thing. He's right. Cause look at that girl's comment. But why OH why...do we think so differently?

The difference between men and women: Babies.

The Angry Skies

For those of you who have followed my blog for a while, you'll remember a couple of experiences I had with Northwest Airlines trying to get to Australia. 7 layovers ring any bells? No customer service? Cancelling a flight and not re-booking? Yeah--anger...

Gina Valenti recently sent me a link to the perfect response to a bad encounter with our not so friendly skies. The target of this video is United Airlines, but I think it applies to all the major carriers. It may possibly be the place where customer service is at it's all time worst.

I now want to write my own music video about my experience. I wish I could sing. Or write music. And that I had 3 muchachos to help.

Anyway, check it out. Pretty funny. And remember, don't make musicians angry.

VIDEO HERE

And then to be fair (and take another small jab at United) check out what REAL customer service looks like courtesy of Southwest Airlines. Bravo, SWA, Bravo.

VIDEO HERE

The Terrifying Elephant Puppet

This is a little bit funny. At the time it was a whole heck of a lot of funny, but I'm not sure my writing can do it justice.

A few posts ago you may have read about my niece's strong response to puppets. "Terrifying." Apparently this all came about from an episode of Hannah Montana in which a terrifying puppet chased people around. Or something like that.

I have an elephant puppet that I got in Bali. It's got a wooden head, and I will admit that it times it does look like it's eyes are glowing red.

Keely asked to see my puppet and when I showed it to her, I kid you not, I have NEVER seen a kid run so fast in my life. She flew up the stairs, and I gave valiant chase, but had no hope of catching her. I was also laughing hysterically at her response. Not because I'm mean, but simply because I have never seen that unnatural fear-associated strength in anyone except myself when I literally picked up the girl in front of me at a haunted house and hurled her across the bridge so i could get out of the way of the chainsaw-wielding psycho chasing me. Deep breath.

Anyway, I followed her up the stairs with the puppet, and couldn't find her. The door to our mudroom was closed and Kristin said she went running in there. I opened the door thinking she had gone out to the garage. I called her name and heard a muffled response.

She was in the pantry with the door closed. I told her to come out and she replied "Do you still have the puppet?" I did. I told her, "No." She said, "I think you're tricking me." She held the door handle tight and only allowed Max to wriggle in with her for protection.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why it would be better to lock yourself in a dark closet alone when you're scared, but to each her own.

She did eventually conquer her fear of this puppet and now asks for it regularly. I asked her to pose with it and show the camera how it made her feel. I think we have a pretty accurate re-enactment.



Max was never scared, but did want to try to be. Not sure he has a career in acting like his cousin.

The Match.com mailbag

You may or may not remember the "Match.com experiment" I started last year with the intention of gathering good stories to entertain you people with. It hasn't gotten much airtime lately because I ignore it about 99.9% of the time, and grew tired of meeting these people. True, I only met 3, but you may remember some of the stories associated with them. Like the guy who walked me around the block for a date. And then thought we had a great time. Right...

So, while I'm not here to tell you that I decided to get back on the horse simply to keep you, the reader, entertained, I can tell you that some of the emails are plenty entertaining without me even needing to meet them in person. And I figured the least I could do was share the wealth. (Micah complained that I never share my awesome "dating" stories anymore. I hope this is close enough for you.)

Allow me to share one of my favorite characters from this week's Match.com mailbag.

First, let me tell you his username: Moneyman. Now I realize this could mean a number of things, much like the Seinfeld episode I watched with Abram last night about Kramer and the "A**man" license plate. Seinfeld thought it meant the guy looked for a certain, er, physical trait in his women, Kramer figured the guy was a proctologist. As usual, Kramer was as wise as he is anti-semitic. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) A**man was a doctor. Point being, moneyman can only go one of two ways. Either the guy wants you to know he makes a butt-load of money (lame) OR he works for the US treasury.

Turns out it's the first. This was the body of his message:

I have read your profile and we are extremely compatible. I am a very responsible person, trustworthy, funny, affectionate, great lover, and extremely optimistic person. I am a professional businessman who owns my own companies and am looking for a soul mate to spend and share my life with and be a part of my empire I have built. I am a little older but have a lot to offer such as; nice house on golf course, many trips throughout the world each year, great lifestyle, and a very loving and honest person. Since i am not on this service much please call me any night before 1am at 616 -xxx-xxxx. Look forward to talking to you. Steve

First. "Great lover?" Really? Do you believe someone who has to advertise it? And is it something I want you to tell me in a random first email? Maybe.

Second. "be a part of my EMPIRE I have built?" Is he Darth Vader? Cause that's the only emperor I know who can legitimately claim he built an empire. And my niece and nephew will fully back that up. I have always wanted to be an empress...but c'mon.

Third. Is this a resume? I love the checklist of things he has to offer. Just throw in "a reasonable salary and great medical benefits" with the great lifestyle and trips throughout the world, and I might sign up.

Finally. Call me before 1am any night? Is this a 1-900 phone service?

I don't know people. There's some nuts out there. I have some girlfriends who recently bought in to the current dating guru who says to "approach dating like a job" and have been networking their little hearts out for referrals, and spending x amount of time a day on online dating sites to increase their number of contacts and chances for marriage, and I'll say it's been working for them. Maybe this resume style formatting is the new (and hopefully final) frontier. They seem to be having good luck--maybe moneybags will find the right gal too. One who wants to share in his empire and travel with him through galaxies on the Deathstar. Me? Not so much.

A Step Back in Time

This past weekend I moseyed (is that how you spell it??) my way on over to Lancaster county in Pennsylvania to visit my old friends the Bairds. This past December we were reunited (thank you Facebook - ultimate people connector!) while I was shooting a film for Hampton. Chris and I were best friends from my freshman year and had lost touch about 13 years ago.



I can't even express my joy at being reunited with the entire family. I also knew Chris' brother Dave pretty well, and his sister Brooke, and had spent a week with the Baird family at the end of our freshman year when we (Merrilee and I) went to send Chris off on his mission.

Merrilee recently reminded me of a funny story from that trip. Chris is infamous for having no concept of time or concerns about punctuality. He's an artist folks - you know how THEY are. Anyway, he took Merr and I to explore some local waterfalls, and let it be said we had a great time. However, when we returned to his house, looking like drowned rats, we discovered his farewell party had kicked off an hour before we arrived. You can imagine his mom's pleasure at our arrival.



The funny part of the story was that his mom blamed poor, hapless Merrilee for our lateness. She told everyone, "Chris had to take them to the waterfall because Merr is from Arizona and so she doesn't ever get to see water." Talk about thinking on your feet!

Some of my favorite moments on this trip to the Baird clan:

1. I stayed in the Ephrata Hampton Inn & Suites where we had filmed in December and was THRILLED to reconnect with this team. (You can see the documentary we did on them here.) It is unequivocally, the BEST hotel you can ever stay in. Amazing service, amazing people - LOVE them. I was pleasantly surprised to arrive to a sign welcoming me as "Guest of the Day." That's no joke people.





2. On Saturday night, I told the Bairds (Chris' parents) that I wanted to meet them to go to church because Chris had no ability to be on time. There was a lot of chatter about this and how he was late and I was punctual. So the next day, when I suddenly found myself a mile or two from their house and the center of an Amish parade you can imagine my chagrin at realizing I would arrive 10 minutes late. I took these pictures to prove to them that the only thing that could keep me from arriving on time was 5 buggies in front and two in back and no passing lane.





3. Loved just sharing stories about the old days and the new days and feeling like no time had passed. Chris' dad shared some stories about his current wrestle with cancer and how it really changes your focus and where you place importance. He shared a story about the power of prayer in one man's battle with cancer and everyone in the family seemed to be appreciating each moment a little more. I came to town to take some photos of the family and capture some of these moments and felt inspired and touched when I left.

I feel pretty blessed to have come in contact with so many wonderful people over all the years of my life. I'm not great at staying in touch, but maybe that's cause I love all the "reunited and it feels so nice" moments. Whatever the case, I'm excited to finally be reunited with my own folks who come home on Monday--AT LAST.

Some favorite Pics from the Weekend

Today I shot a few pics of my Niece Keely, and nephew, Ben before we went to church. Neither was what I would call "cooperative", but there were a few smiles when candy was fished out of pockets. I love summer. I'm by-passing Silent Spinster for these.

Respectable Wait Time

A Question:

How long should you wait to date a guy after he gets out of a relationship? A year? Two years? 2 weeks? The next day?

I ask because I seem to always stumble on the ones who are fresh out. Or sometimes even a year out and it just seems like they're still fresh out. And I have to believe they are NOT really available to me. That I'm clearly being set up for rebound.

And I don't mind hearing their stories about the past relationship, cause frankly I'm curious too, BUT I DO mind hearing the stories twice and three times, or ONLY hearing their stories. Yes, this I mind.

BUT, if you wait too long, well someone else can slide right in when they're good to go and you miss your window. OR you hear the stories about the couple that met right after the breakup and got married 4 months later. Seriously.

So I ask, how long do you wait?