Fear Kills

I was going to write a sort of funny, caustic post about a guy I met a couple nights ago from match.com and get a popular vote on something from said date that annoyed me. And which was the subject of heated debate between myself and Kristin and Abram. But something changed. Me. I hope.

A little context about said date. First, calling it a date is speaking very loosely in the first place. He approached me on match with an email that pretty much said, our profiles don't line us up as a match (mostly religion), but I'm open to new friends, wanna meet? His actual email was much more clever and witty than what you just read and after a trillion emails with messages like "You're hot.", "Open up and let a black man in", and "I rilly think u'll like me." his was so refreshing and smart that I thought it was worth the effort to make a new friend.

We met up for hot chocolate. We had good conversation and it turns out that he used to skip class in high school with my brother Ryan. Small world. And this makes him very cool in my eyes. I thought he was interesting, attractive, and nice. The sign off was a bit awkward--umm..nice meeting you. Dead space. Bye. What do you say when the terms of the meeting are so ambiguous?

I drove home and a few minutes later got an email from him. It said he enjoyed the chat and the time, but knew the end was awkward because usually you decide to go on a date again or not, but what do you say to a potential friend? Agreed. But I think there was a part of me that expected him to be so swept away by me he didn't want to be just friends. (I know. I know.) This was the kicker though - he ended with, "So if you ever want to kill some time, I would welcome another soda (although you won't be able to count on me to buy the drink next time :p )"

My initial reaction was annoyance. Why?

1. Because why would he just want to jump to friends (and yes, I know we were meeting as friends - but come on.) was there something wrong with me? (OK-too much Bachelor TV, I know)

and 2....was he annoyed I let him pay for my drink and this was his way of letting me know that him paying wasn't happening in the future cause we were just friends?? I see the smiley face, but it sounds like a jab.

Pause. Think about the email. What would your reaction have been? Honestly. Tell me. I felt like he was saying I should have paid for myself, and that in his offer of friendship, he wanted to be clear that the same mixup (of him paying) didn't happen again.) I felt a little stupid truth be told. Like I had mis-stepped.

I told Kristin and Abram I was annoyed. They said I was an idiot. Of course we often have a difference of opinion on that particular point so it didn't hold a ton of weight with me. I did decide to sleep on it though. Mostly based on their strong reaction to my reaction.

The next day I responded to his email and decided to not be annoyed and to trust his good intentions instead of the typical and obviously easier route to follow. In my email I told him I would love to be friends. I did ask if he was upset that I didn't offer to pay for my drink, but only by way of apology if I wasn't being considerate. I also couldn't resist asking why in his mind the being friends route made the most sense. I told him since we were friends and all I should be able to ask.

I got a wonderful response from him that put me to shame. First he made it totally clear that he had no problem paying, and in fact felt like men should pay on dates as it is the chivalrous thing to do. So, Kristin and Abram--my bad. You two were right--it was a joke. I'm sad that it was my own insecurity that made me read it otherwise.

Second he wrote a really, really nice paragraph about how he laughed out loud when he read my question about "friends" because he considered me to be the total package and that he found me enchanting. I love that word btw. Guys should definitely use it more. He said it really was the religion thing and the role it plays in his life that made him think friends was the right path. I think he was being honest because he said that if he read my commitment to my religion wrong to let him know and we could try a date instead.

And so I am left with a couple thoughts. (Besides the obvious facts that I have self esteem issues and I watch too much TV.)

1. Trust people's best intentions and don't always read in the worst. I get this and work on it and yet constantly revert back to the dark side. If I had responded sarcastically or out of anger, it would have produced a much different result AND for no good reason since my assumptions were all false. All of them.

2. This is where we have to divert a little from "He's just not that in to you" logic ladies. And even though this isn't a romantic relationship, the logic follows. I think that movie/book speaks truth. Word. BUT... I also think there are times we handicap ourselves. Meaning, he may be interested and would pursue, maybe even has, and our low self-esteem or our negative assumptions kill the deal. The rules only apply when you are healthy and acting from a place of strength.

This was a good lesson for me. I'm sad that I reacted from a place of fear - but I'm glad I forced myself to wait and try on trust for size in my response. I'm thrilled that he is open and honest and that he's making smart decisions based on what he knows about us - which bodes well for a good friendship. And I'm curious (And A.L. you know who you are) how many of you would have reacted like me when you saw the first email. It's easy to say you wouldn't have now that you know the end of the story--but let's get some honesty here. Go.