Shill Shackson: A True Friend

This post is about my friend Jill. I promised not to reveal her true identity, so I’m using this very clever naming mechanism that will keep people from knowing it was her that completely threw me under the bus in this story.

Jill…I mean, Shill, and I were at church on Sunday with all the other “Elite Singles” (that’s what they call the old people who are still single in California’s version of the Mormon church) and chatting it up when out of nowhere a tiny little “elite” man popped in to our line of sight and chirped at Shill, “Hey, aren’t you online?”

After Shill managed to close her gaping jaw and lower her chin far enough to catch sight of the man chirping at her, she stammered, “what do you mean?”

He never committed to an actual online location where he might have seen her but rather, persisted in his vague line of questioning until she finally admitted that she might be online…somewhere. It’s a pretty clever opening line really as most people are in fact, online.

He then barraged both of us with a machine-gun like line of questioning for the next uncomfortable 10 minutes. Our friend Ryan finally came by and said, “Stay right there, I’m trying to gather the troops.”

Shill turned to me, opened her mouth, and I could tell the moment of salvation was at hand. She was going to give an excuse to extricate both of us from this conversation. No. I was wrong. All girlfriend codes of honor were thrown out the window as she reverted to a survival of the fittest strategy.

“Well,” she said brightly, “I’ve really got to use the restroom before the meeting starts. Shauri, you stay here. I’ll be right back.” She had only seen the interruption as her opportunity to flee.

My mouth dropped. Not, “Shauri, I’m going to use the bathroom, do you want to join me?” OR “Shauri, I’m going to use the bathroom” leaving the option open, just simply she was going and I was staying.

Oh no sister. Oh, no indeed. Staring daggers at her I replied, “I think I will be going to the restroom as well.” She answered that someone should stay put as Ryan had requested, so that we could all be gathered. I answered without concern or remorse that she was welcome to do that, but I would be leaving.

Poor little birdman had no idea what was happening or why we both had to go to the restroom so desperately, but we had become so embroiled in our battle for survival that we no longer noticed him.

The sequel to this story is that first thing the next morning Shill had an email online (where she apparently DOES go) from little bird-man. Apparently he didn’t understand what it means when two girls are fighting to go to the bathroom, and in cyberspace, Shill will get her just desserts, where there is no bathroom excuse OR nearby friend to throw under the bus while she escapes. Justice always prevails.

(I still love you Shill.)