Bali: Day -1

For the past 3 days I've been sick. I'll spare the gruesome details, but simply say that the bathroom is my friend.

I flew to Los Angeles on Tuesday for a meeting with Gina before she, Elizabeth and I left for Bali and our surf goddess adventure. My stomach was still causing trouble that made me a bit concerned about leaving the country for Indonesia with the idea that I might not want to be at the mercy of their not-so-modern medicine. I decided to run in to urgent care and gain peace of mind that all would be well for my adventure.

I waited 2 hours. 2 HOURS. It's a long time, but friends I must tell you...it was worth the wait! The words "The Dr. will see you now" will forever be changed now to surface feelings of both excitement and terror. This Dr., when he finally appeared was straight out of Grey's Anatomy and was certainly in the McDreamy category. And nice. And clever. And adorable in those little green scrubs.

Meet me. Wearing a nasty paper gown gaping at the back to exhibit my, well, let's not even discuss the underwear situation, but let's do talk about hairy wintertime legs, a big, BIG blister on my toe, and a greasy, not so done up face. Oh and the extra special wintertime muffin top hanging over the nasty underthings. And all this prefaces my first statement, "I have a diaharea problem." Sorry, but it had to be said.

In an attempt at recovery (and distraction) I said, "You know, I think we'd be on more equal ground here if you put on one of these paper gowns too." He agreed that was true, but didn't think it would inspire the appropriate level of confidence in his other patients. Touche.

We proceeded to discuss my unfortunate medical condition whilst I tried to camouflage my big old nasty blister by covering my right foot with my left foot. When he told me to lie down, that pose got really awkward. Try laying down gracefully while still covering one foot with the other. It only served the purpose of drawing ALL attention to said nasty blister. And of course with me laying like a pretzel it made examination difficult and he was forced to say, "Uh...can you please spread your legs apart a little." Which in turn made him almost as uncomfortable as me.

He felt my bloated, protruding, gaseous belly which clearly another huge selling point in my favor and then took my temperature and started to move to diagnosis. It was gastro-something or other, and I had a mild fever so to be on the safe side he suggested a....

...no...please..no....

RECTAL EXAM.

ME: Huh? What?

Him: I'll tell you how it works...

ME: uhhh...how...uh (Like I don't know how it works!)

Him: (nervously) I just scrape out a little bit to check for blood, and uh..I'm a doctor...and...

Me: Absolutely not.

Him: It's a safety measure with you leaving the country...

Me: No. Nope, no way.

Him: You know I'm a doctor, right?

Me: Yup. Sticking with no.

It was pretty awkward on both sides, and I've never told a doctor no before, but seriously? Seriously? No. I would rather die a slow painful death in Bali than let him examine my rectal-regions at that point. A girl has to have some dignity...and well, whatever. You get it - no hot man your age and not wearing a wedding ring should ever be allowed to give you a rectal examine on your first encounter. Period.

He gave me drugs. He gave me his card. And from now on, I will NEVER go to a doctor's office w/o taking a shower, covering all nasty blisters, and wearing more appropriate personal attire....no matter how close I am to death. So let it be written, so let it be done.