i Need my Samantha

This morning I reached a kind of desperation I never could have anticipated in my teens. Or 20's. You do start to get a glimpse at that stage of what may lie ahead, but you certainly don't have the full picture. Your roommates all get married, and then all your friends get married. Of course you make a new group of friends. And then they all get married. You can cycle through several sets in your 20's and 30's. I've been through 3 or 4 myself. What you don't expect is that one day that cycle might just... stop. That maybe one day you are quite literally the only woman your age in a certain location that is single.

I always thought when I was younger that if I reached the ripe old age of 25 and wasn't married that I would probably be feeling pretty desperate for a man. Of course then I reached 26, and while I did think I was pretty O-L-D, I was kind of having a LOT of fun being single. I was sure if I reached 30, that would be the end of the road. In fact, I remember my roommate in college, Laura, getting engaged (at 23) and how upsetting it was for her 30 year old sister. I, in my infinite 23 year old wisdom thought, she SHOULD be upset, there is truly no more hope for her. She must be DESPERATE. That's about as old as a woman can be before she should cash in for knitting needles and a cat.

Of course I have now surpassed that milestone as well, and as I think most of us are prone to do, I just keep pushing the age marker back. I've moved it to 40 now. In the last decade there have been ups and downs of that "desperate" feeling. Usually it's strongest right after a breakup with someone who in your delirium you can only reasonably consider "your last hope." Which of course is now gone too.

Anyway, the desperate measure I took today has nothing whatsoever to do with men. I know it's hard for us as women to disassociate the two words - desperate and men - but for me I've kind of gotten over that "I have to have a man or I am nothing" feeling. What I miss here in Provo is women. And no, I haven't started batting from the other side of the plate. I just miss having girlfriends.

Carrie Bradshaw (SATC fans know who I'm talking about) through all her career, boyfriend, and general life turmoil always had Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. Her rocks in the storm. And don't get me wrong - I do have great girlfriends. It's just that none of them are HERE. And few are still in the same stage of life as me. Like Carrie, I want a regular Saturday brunch, a friend to hit the sweet Provo club scene with, or someone to just call on impulse and hit a movie or eat a tub of Ben&Jerry's with me that can really understand "what's it's like."

Honestly, my life is so busy between two jobs and a lot of travel, that I haven't felt the gap much...and on my downtime I usually hang with my brothers and sometimes their friends. To this point I haven't really needed anything else, but this morning I woke up and I was sad. I wanted to call up a friend and go get a pedicure. Or go play some ball (which guys will NOT let you do with them without extreme pain). Or go catch a chick flick. I couldn't think of ONE GIRL that I knew here in Provo that I could call. I've met a few of Travis and Garrett's girl-friends, but most are under 22 and none want to become my Samantha.

So, I got desperate. And this is the truly humiliating, and hysterical point of this long and boring story.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I got on LDSlinkup this morning. (LDSlinkup is like a blend of J-Date for Mormons and Facebook/Friendster. Most use it as a dating tool.) I didn't get on to find a date. I WAS SEARCHING FOR GIRLS THAT COULD BE MY FRIENDS.

How sad is that?? I actually emailed 3 girls that were over 30 and looked normal offering them my hand in friendship. The tragic part is when they get my message they will know that I'm not normal and will probably not reply. And what do you say anyway?? I would love to be your new B.F.F. would you like to meet me for lunch? I'll be the one carrying a rose and a copy of Eat, Pray, Love.

Oh. Oh. sigh. I can laugh about it now, but it's not really funny. Is it? Using a dating sight to make friends? Like I said, I always figured if I got old and didn't get married I'd be desperate for a man, but who knew it would actually be women I would be longing for?