Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Kristen Allen-R's blog reminded me of one of my favorite deep thoughts. After writing it for her, I thought - hey - why not share some of these with everyone? They never grow old after all.

Of course they do remind me of my very first job out of school where I did absolutely nothing meaningful, and so I took it upon myself to write a morning "newsletter" for everyone. In it I always included a new deep thought. Every day the Vice President would come up and ask me to explain it to him. He would always walk away shaking his head saying, "I just don't get why these are funny." Which of course made the whole thing even more hysterical to me as I picked more and more ambiguous choices for him. I have to say though--if you don't get these...what's wrong with you?

Let me know your favorite!

It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.

To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.