Seclusion

I made it through another one. Since the age of about 28, birthdays have become the most conflicted day of the year for me. Partially because I am admittedly a complete and utter lunatic. Here's the way it unrolls year after year: I panic that someone will do something for me and that I will get all kinds of attention at a party, which makes me slightly uncomfortable, AND which means you get the question "How OLD are you?" A hundred times. This gets asked with the biggest of smiles like it's some thrillingly happy question along the lines of, "Is it a boy or a girl?" It's not. Once you answer you get a mixed bag of responses like, "wow- you look much younger than THAT" or "and you're STILL single?" Or the one wallace got from a 19 year old when she turned 27, "27?? Errr...that's a... fun age." Sure it is sister - like you know. Ok...so that's the first stage of the psychosis.

Next, after I have completely convinced everyone NOT to do anything, the actual day rolls around and no one does anything. HELLO. I told them not to! But then I become tragically sad. Why? Because why doesn't anybody care about me? Oh, it's sooo desperately pathetic. Just writing it makes me want to smack myself in the head. Which, by the way, is stage 3. Despising myself for being so pathetic.

So this year, I took charge of the situation. I had to be in LA for work, so I decided to not talk about it to anyone and not tell anyone not to do anything and then to simply go in to seclusion all day where no one could reach me. I went to a spa for like 8 hours. That way, I could try to forget what the day was, I could put away all expectations because no one could reach me anyway, and the next morning it would be over and I could move on like it never happened. It worked, I think. I still had a couple moments of the traditional (and clearly well-loved) wo is me, but for the most part I didn't think about it. And I'll tell you what - I actually had an unanticipated surprise on my birthday which hasn't happened for a long time - The Hampton people had a balloon and a cake waiting in my room for me when I got back and a nice note. This is my plug for staying at Hampton - who surprises a guest with a birthday cake?

So this is my final thought on birthdays - and it's the whole age thing. The woman giving me my facial said to me (when I told her my age in a voice of despair) "Hey lady, it's better than the alternative. What? Look at me, I'm 62 - I should slit my wrists?"

And suddenly enlightenment at the spa.

Only slightly less enlightening was laying naked on a table getting a sugar scrub while a heavily accented Korean woman told me, "You have very cute breast. Perfect size." Are you kidding me? Are we looking at the same thing?? I realize this should be some sort of birthday gift, but the last thing I want when I'm naked (and I mentioned this on the Kristin birthday massage post) is someone commenting on my body...while they rub it. I'm trying to forget what's happening not have it called in to front and center attention. Silence is becoming a lost art at the spa. "Really, you like them spa lady? I was hoping you would. I'm sure your breasts are also really nice. Would you like to lay on the table and show me?" I mean, why is this ok? I guess it could have been worse. She could have said they were old and saggy and that she was surprised by the pockets of belly fat she was finding. So there you have it, the spa seclusion birthday - one woman's retreat from reality.